So, I'm going to be getting a memorial tattoo on my shoulder blade. Here's what it's going to look like.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Well, today was kinda hard. It is Father's day and I kept thinking I should still be pregnant and should have been able to sign Reagan's name on Chris' card. But instead, I just let Aidan sign his name. I had a small breakdown in the bathroom by myself. I just didn't want it to feel like a sad day for anyone. But sometimes it feels as if I need to keep my feelings to myself, so I don't bring everyone else down with me. I know this is unhealthy, because eventually it's all going to come out at once. But a day hasn't passed since May 26th that I haven't cried at least once a day.
Last night we were at my sister in law, Lisa's house. She has a son that was born in March. The guys were outside smoking cigars and it was just us girls in the house. Out of nowhere, she started talking about how she feels bad for me when I come over, with her baby being there and all. It does break my heart sometimes when I see my son playing with him like he should have with his sister, but on the other hand, he's my nephew. I don't want to miss out on the joy of having him in my life and watching him grow because Reagan is not with us. But that brought on another tearfest. I just don't want everyone walking on pins and needles around me. I understand I'm an emotional wreck, but I don't want to miss out on other things that can bring joy to my life. It was funny because I was holding him and he spit up on me. She kept apologizing and rushing to get a burp cloth. All I could think of is how I wish I was having that experience every day with my own child. A little spitup never hurt anyone, and it just helped to fill that hole temporarily on what I'm missing out on. So I guess until Chris and I decide to try for another one, I'll just have to rely on everyone else's babies for those experiences.
Last night we were at my sister in law, Lisa's house. She has a son that was born in March. The guys were outside smoking cigars and it was just us girls in the house. Out of nowhere, she started talking about how she feels bad for me when I come over, with her baby being there and all. It does break my heart sometimes when I see my son playing with him like he should have with his sister, but on the other hand, he's my nephew. I don't want to miss out on the joy of having him in my life and watching him grow because Reagan is not with us. But that brought on another tearfest. I just don't want everyone walking on pins and needles around me. I understand I'm an emotional wreck, but I don't want to miss out on other things that can bring joy to my life. It was funny because I was holding him and he spit up on me. She kept apologizing and rushing to get a burp cloth. All I could think of is how I wish I was having that experience every day with my own child. A little spitup never hurt anyone, and it just helped to fill that hole temporarily on what I'm missing out on. So I guess until Chris and I decide to try for another one, I'll just have to rely on everyone else's babies for those experiences.
Friday, June 12, 2009
From the beginning...
It all started in November. We had been trying to conceive for two months and I had taken a ton of tests. Finally one morning I got a positive. My fiance, Chris, was at work, but I could not wait until he got home to tell him. I called him at work and told him that baby #2 was on the way. I was ecstatic, crying huge tears of joy. It was a miracle that I was able to get pregnant again, since I have tons of female issues. My son and I then drove to where my Mom works to tell her, but she happened to be at a meeting elsewhere. So, I let my son, Aidan, call her and tell her that Mommy has a baby in her belly. It was the beginning of the joy of my pregnancy. My fiance and I went for the first ultrasound, but the baby did not want to cooperate, so we didn't find out what we were having. Thankfully due to being so active, the ultrasound tech also was not able to get all of the measurements, so they scheduled me for another one on March 11th. Unfortunately, Chris was not able to get off work, so I asked my sister, Donna, and my Mom to go with me. They were crossing their fingers for a girl. After the tech got all of her measurements, she went to see what we were having. Imagine the outcome when she said I was having a girl. My Mom and sister high fived each other and did a happy dance. I made everyone laugh when I asked her to check again, as my fiance and I were hoping for another son, since we still had everything from him. She checked again and confirmed that there was a girl in there!
After the appointment, me, my mom, and my sister went shopping to find something to tell Chris he was going to have a daughter. We picked out the cutest pink outfits, a little dolly, and a bib that said "I am NOT a boy!". He got from home and I handed him the box with everything in it. For the first hour, all he said was "Oh my God, I'm having a daughter." He was so scared, knowing how protective he was going to have to be with this little girl. Before we knew it, our house was being taken over by pink stuff. My Mom went nuts shopping for as many pink outfits she could find, knowing that I kept saying I was going to have a tomboy, since that is how I am. We started building a new room to make room for this new addition to our family.
Well, it was a pretty normal pregnancy. Lots of morning sickness, acid reflux, and tons of kicks in my belly. I always joked with everyone that I had a future soccer player in my belly, and she liked to use my bladder as a ball!!! But around 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I noticed I wasn't really feeling her move. At first I chalked it up to her running out of room, since I was so far along and I'm a shorter person. But after a few days of not feeling her move, I called the doctor's office to have everything checked out. Mind you, the Thursday before I had an appointment and everything was fine. Strong heartbeat, etc. On the next Tuesday, May 26th, I went in to get everything checked out. Chris dropped me off and went with our son, Aidan, to rent a movie, thinking it was going to be a routine checkup. They took me directly back to a room and used the doppler to look for a heartbeat. No matter where they placed it, they could not find a heartbeat. The doctor then came in with the ultrasound machine to look for a heartbeat. After what seemed like an eternity of him looking on the machine, he told me the most devastating news an expectant mother can ever hear. He could not see a heartbeat. Needless to say, at that time I was falling apart. I had to call Chris and tell him to come back immediately. I couldn't stop crying enough to tell him what was going on. He came back and the wonderful nurses set up our son at the front desk with coloring books. Chris came in and I completely broke down and told him what the doctor had said. At first we were in denial and asked if there was a way to double check this. The doctor immediately set us up to have another ultrasound at the connecting hospital. They confirmed what the doctor had said.
The doctor had me come back up afterwards to discuss our options. He was really encouraging me to wait until my body went into labor on its own, but I wasn't sure I could do this, as it could be another 4 - 6 weeks. We also discussed a c-section, but he was trying to talk me out of it since it is a major surgery. He sent me home to discuss it with Chris and get back to him. He wrote me a script for valium, so Chris and I went to Walgreens to fill the script. While in line, the cashier asked when I was due. I almost had a complete breakdown right there in the middle of the aisle. I ran out to the car and cried, my heart breaking into pieces. Within the next couple of days, I had someone ask me about my pregnancy on multiple occasions. I spoke with Chris and told him I had to have the c-section, because emotionally I could not handle any more questions about my pregnancy. We went back a few days later and set up everything to have the c-section on June 2nd.
The day of June 2nd was a bittersweet day. I was going to be giving birth to my daughter, but had to say goodbye at the same time. My midwife, Sylvia, came to the hospital and stayed the whole time to help support me through everything. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met! She didn't even have to be there, since it had to be a doctor doing the c-section. But she took time out of her day to make the day a little easier on me and give me one more person to support me through the most heartbreaking day of my life. The c-section went without any complications and then I went into the recovery room. They brought my beautiful daughter in soon after so I could spend some time with her. My parents, my sister, and Chris' dad all got to be there to spend time with her. Then a woman I consider to be an Angel on Earth, Melissa, came to do a photography session so we could have the most memories to save. She took the most beautiful pictures of our short time with our daughter, Reagan Lee. Eventually everyone left the room and I got to spend some time alone with Reagan. I sang "You are my sunshine" to her, knowing it would be the last time I would be able to hold her and sing to her. Eventually the nurse came in saying they had to move me to my room and would be taking Reagan so she could be sent to another hospital to do an autopsy, since they couldn't determine what had happened. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I was separated from her. Of any tragedy that has occurred in my life, this was the most painful I have ever experienced. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy, the pain of a mother being forever separated from their child.
The day I was released from the hospital was also extremely painful. Getting into the car with no newborn baby in a carseat in the back. And then going home and wishing I was being woken up at all times of the night to breastfeed and change diapers. Hearing people complain about not getting any sleep for these reasons, I just want to yell at them about what I wouldn't give to have that in my life! I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. At times there is extreme pain, where I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. And at other times, wanting to scream at the sky and ask God what I did to have my child taken away from me? People tell me it will get easier eventually, and I hope it does. But I think there will always be a void in my heart from this loss. But I will go on, for my beautiful son and my wonderful fiance.
After the appointment, me, my mom, and my sister went shopping to find something to tell Chris he was going to have a daughter. We picked out the cutest pink outfits, a little dolly, and a bib that said "I am NOT a boy!". He got from home and I handed him the box with everything in it. For the first hour, all he said was "Oh my God, I'm having a daughter." He was so scared, knowing how protective he was going to have to be with this little girl. Before we knew it, our house was being taken over by pink stuff. My Mom went nuts shopping for as many pink outfits she could find, knowing that I kept saying I was going to have a tomboy, since that is how I am. We started building a new room to make room for this new addition to our family.
Well, it was a pretty normal pregnancy. Lots of morning sickness, acid reflux, and tons of kicks in my belly. I always joked with everyone that I had a future soccer player in my belly, and she liked to use my bladder as a ball!!! But around 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I noticed I wasn't really feeling her move. At first I chalked it up to her running out of room, since I was so far along and I'm a shorter person. But after a few days of not feeling her move, I called the doctor's office to have everything checked out. Mind you, the Thursday before I had an appointment and everything was fine. Strong heartbeat, etc. On the next Tuesday, May 26th, I went in to get everything checked out. Chris dropped me off and went with our son, Aidan, to rent a movie, thinking it was going to be a routine checkup. They took me directly back to a room and used the doppler to look for a heartbeat. No matter where they placed it, they could not find a heartbeat. The doctor then came in with the ultrasound machine to look for a heartbeat. After what seemed like an eternity of him looking on the machine, he told me the most devastating news an expectant mother can ever hear. He could not see a heartbeat. Needless to say, at that time I was falling apart. I had to call Chris and tell him to come back immediately. I couldn't stop crying enough to tell him what was going on. He came back and the wonderful nurses set up our son at the front desk with coloring books. Chris came in and I completely broke down and told him what the doctor had said. At first we were in denial and asked if there was a way to double check this. The doctor immediately set us up to have another ultrasound at the connecting hospital. They confirmed what the doctor had said.
The doctor had me come back up afterwards to discuss our options. He was really encouraging me to wait until my body went into labor on its own, but I wasn't sure I could do this, as it could be another 4 - 6 weeks. We also discussed a c-section, but he was trying to talk me out of it since it is a major surgery. He sent me home to discuss it with Chris and get back to him. He wrote me a script for valium, so Chris and I went to Walgreens to fill the script. While in line, the cashier asked when I was due. I almost had a complete breakdown right there in the middle of the aisle. I ran out to the car and cried, my heart breaking into pieces. Within the next couple of days, I had someone ask me about my pregnancy on multiple occasions. I spoke with Chris and told him I had to have the c-section, because emotionally I could not handle any more questions about my pregnancy. We went back a few days later and set up everything to have the c-section on June 2nd.
The day of June 2nd was a bittersweet day. I was going to be giving birth to my daughter, but had to say goodbye at the same time. My midwife, Sylvia, came to the hospital and stayed the whole time to help support me through everything. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met! She didn't even have to be there, since it had to be a doctor doing the c-section. But she took time out of her day to make the day a little easier on me and give me one more person to support me through the most heartbreaking day of my life. The c-section went without any complications and then I went into the recovery room. They brought my beautiful daughter in soon after so I could spend some time with her. My parents, my sister, and Chris' dad all got to be there to spend time with her. Then a woman I consider to be an Angel on Earth, Melissa, came to do a photography session so we could have the most memories to save. She took the most beautiful pictures of our short time with our daughter, Reagan Lee. Eventually everyone left the room and I got to spend some time alone with Reagan. I sang "You are my sunshine" to her, knowing it would be the last time I would be able to hold her and sing to her. Eventually the nurse came in saying they had to move me to my room and would be taking Reagan so she could be sent to another hospital to do an autopsy, since they couldn't determine what had happened. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I was separated from her. Of any tragedy that has occurred in my life, this was the most painful I have ever experienced. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy, the pain of a mother being forever separated from their child.
The day I was released from the hospital was also extremely painful. Getting into the car with no newborn baby in a carseat in the back. And then going home and wishing I was being woken up at all times of the night to breastfeed and change diapers. Hearing people complain about not getting any sleep for these reasons, I just want to yell at them about what I wouldn't give to have that in my life! I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. At times there is extreme pain, where I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. And at other times, wanting to scream at the sky and ask God what I did to have my child taken away from me? People tell me it will get easier eventually, and I hope it does. But I think there will always be a void in my heart from this loss. But I will go on, for my beautiful son and my wonderful fiance.
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