Well, today was kinda hard. It is Father's day and I kept thinking I should still be pregnant and should have been able to sign Reagan's name on Chris' card. But instead, I just let Aidan sign his name. I had a small breakdown in the bathroom by myself. I just didn't want it to feel like a sad day for anyone. But sometimes it feels as if I need to keep my feelings to myself, so I don't bring everyone else down with me. I know this is unhealthy, because eventually it's all going to come out at once. But a day hasn't passed since May 26th that I haven't cried at least once a day.

Last night we were at my sister in law, Lisa's house. She has a son that was born in March. The guys were outside smoking cigars and it was just us girls in the house. Out of nowhere, she started talking about how she feels bad for me when I come over, with her baby being there and all. It does break my heart sometimes when I see my son playing with him like he should have with his sister, but on the other hand, he's my nephew. I don't want to miss out on the joy of having him in my life and watching him grow because Reagan is not with us. But that brought on another tearfest. I just don't want everyone walking on pins and needles around me. I understand I'm an emotional wreck, but I don't want to miss out on other things that can bring joy to my life. It was funny because I was holding him and he spit up on me. She kept apologizing and rushing to get a burp cloth. All I could think of is how I wish I was having that experience every day with my own child. A little spitup never hurt anyone, and it just helped to fill that hole temporarily on what I'm missing out on. So I guess until Chris and I decide to try for another one, I'll just have to rely on everyone else's babies for those experiences.