Almost there...

Can it be that it's been almost a year now? It's gone by so quickly, it feels as if it just happened a short time ago. It doesn't hurt as badly as it did in the beginning, but there are still unexpected tidal waves that hit me from no where. I can go a few days between cries, but I still think of you every day.

My sweet Reagan, you are not forgotten and will never be forgotten. To think of what you would be doing now, if God had let you stay here with us. I'm sure you'd be trying to pull yourself up so you could try to walk, trying to keep up with your big brother. It breaks my heart knowing that he missed out on being a big brother to you. And by now I'm sure I would've heard the most precious words any parent waits to hear, mama and dada. We would've made a point to tease each other if you had said one before the other. We did that with your brother when he said dada first, your daddy acted as if he was Aidan's favorite parent. We miss you so much!

Six Months

As of today, it's been 6 months since you were born with angel wings. I think of you every day and wonder what you would be like if you were still with us. Would you keep your mommy up all night like your big brother did, or would you be a wonderful sleeper? Would you be rolling over and giggling like babies normally do at your age? Unfortunately, we will never know, as you were taken from us too soon.

Going on 4 months

So, October 2nd will be 4 months since we lost our sweet little angel. They said month 4 is the hardest, and I'm starting to believe it. In the days leading to her Angelversary, I have been a wreck, crying at the drop of a dime. The only thing that helps me are the little signs she gives me, when I need them the most. Reagan, just know that mommy, daddy, and Aidan miss you so much!

Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work. I have been dreading it for a while now, not sure what to expect, what to say to people, how to focus, etc. I cried the entire ride to work, listening to every song that makes me think of Reagan. I knew I had to get it out before arriving, so I wouldn't be a complete mess all day.

For those who don't know me, I do customer service for a brokerage firm's website. Basically, I help people log in, navigate, technical stuff, etc. I was amazed at how easily frustrated I got with other people's petty problems. I had a guy yelling at me because his portfolio screen didn't show the date/time his securities were updated. He was talking about moving his accts because he thinks our site is crap. All I could think about is how freakin petty this was compared to what I constantly have running through my mind. I wanted to start yelling back, saying you think that's bad, I just lost my baby a couple of months ago! But fortunately, I kept my calm, not wanting to lose my job. Just kept agreeing and said I'd send it up as a suggestion. He ended up hanging up on me. Oh, how I love customer service!!! (Notice the sarcasm?)

Then, on top of everything, we were swamped today. I couldn't get away from my desk to save my life. Finally at my normal lunch time, I said screw it and walked away. There was no one available for the phones, but I had to do it for my sanity. I called Chris and we talked for a while. I had a few tears, took some deep breaths, and then went back to what seems like hell right now. I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by, but for now, it's the last place I want to be.

Signs

So, it's really crazy how you seem to send me signs that you are okay. Today me, Daddy, and Aidan decided to go to Ma Ma and Pa Pa's house to BBQ. We needed a few extra supplies, so I volunteered to go to Dollar General. I was walking by the section where they have the baby stuff and a couple was in there with a baby carrier. I looked in the carrier and there was a little boy that looked to be only 2-3 weeks old, the same age you would be now. I smiled, but my heart was breaking inside. No sooner than that happened, through the overhead speakers where they play music, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin came on. It was almost like you were saying you were okay and not to be sad. It still pains me sometimes seeing other babies, but I don't wont to lose that sense of wonder and enjoyment that people have towards them.

Me and your Daddy have been talking a lot lately. I think we're going to try again, but it'll be a while. We want to heal emotionally and give ourselves time to grieve for you. Plus, even though I probably will be no longer how long we wait, I don't want to be a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. But most of all, I don't want it to feel as if we have to rush to replace you, because you are irreplacable. You will always be our first daughter, our beautiful Reagan. I can have a million more babies and you would never be replaced in my heart. I love you my sweet Angel!

A bad few days

So, the last few days have been kind of bad. For some reason, I keep going back to the day we found out we lost you. I remember the doctor saying he couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound and having to call your Daddy to come to the office so I could break the news. And then seeing you again on the ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. It felt so surreal, I was in denial, which is why we requested the second ultrasound at the hospital. When that ultrasound tech came back into the room, I knew the diagnosis, because she could barely look at me and advised me that the doctor wanted me to come back up to the office. We went back up to the office and had to discuss my options. Your Daddy and I slept on it and then decided to schedule a c-section. This gave me a few more days with you. I would rub on my belly, comforted that even though you had passed, you were still with me.

After leaving the hospital, we decided to go to my parent's house first. There was no way I could tell them the news over the phone. My Mom and sister had been such an active role during the pregnancy, I knew it was going to be hard. I will never forget this moment, it is permanently imprinted in my brain. As we got out of the car, your Ma Ma was smiling and happy that we had showed up. Right at that point, I broke down and told her that we had lost you. Immediately, there were tears flowing from everyone's face. Your Ma Ma, Pa Pa, and Aunt Donna were all outside when I told them. We all just held each other tightly and cried, knowing that all of our dreams for you were gone. Then there were the calls to all of the other relatives.

I was numb and in shock over it all. I was only 4 weeks away from a scheduled c-section, this could not be happening. This stuff doesn't happen to me, only other people. I still stayed in denial, hoping that after the c-section, they would say they were wrong and I would hear your screams after they took you out. But I was wrong. When you were born, the operating room was so silent and somber, you could almost hear a pin drop. It keeps bringing me back to the day your brother was born. After he was delivered, all I could do was lay there and hope to hear the screams that a healthy baby makes after being born. The seconds felt like hours, and then there it was. I was crying so hard after hearing those screams. I think about it, because I never got to hear you, only feel you inside me before we lost you. If only there was something that I could have done to save you, I would give up everything.

I think the reason it's been so rough these last few days is because we got the autopsy results back. They could find nothing wrong with you, the cord, or the placenta. No explanation, no answers. It made it seem as if there was no closure as far as knowing what happened. The doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests on me to see if it was something wrong with me to cause your death. They said it could be a couple of weeks before the results are in. If it is something wrong with me, I think I will feel even more defective. I've already got endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and have had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix multiple times. Plus, I couldn't even deliver your brother the natural way. I already feel as if I am defective because of all of this, but if my body caused your death, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't have done something to prevent it. I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you grow up. I love you my sweet Angel, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. Until we meet again, know that I will always love you and never forget you.

I went to visit you again today. I had to pick up some paperwork at the cemetary's office, so I figured I'd stop and chat with you alone. I told you how much I love you, miss you, and can't wait until I can see you again. I had to remove the decorations from your grave site because the cemetary cleans everything out twice a year, and they were going to be taking everything on July 10th. As I was removing the butterflies, I asked you if you had been chasing butterflies with Aunt Gloria. It was amazing, because right after I said that, the most beautiful butterfly came over and almost landed right in front of me on your grave. It was like you were sending me a sign that you were okay and happy.

I then went over to Grandma and Grandpa Finch's graves to talk to them. I asked them to make sure and take really good care of you until we see each other again. I then mentioned to her that if you come to her with a sweet tooth, to make you one of her angel food cakes. She always made "the best" angel food cakes ever. And I also told her that if you like cream of mushroom soup, to make it for you every day if you wanted it. When I was little, I went to their house every day after school. I had a love of that soup at the time, so she always made sure there was a bowl of it waiting for me on the table every day. Then another butterfly came right by. The signs you send me make me feel at peace, even though I miss you.

Then I went back to your grave for a little while longer. I told you everything that I had just told Grandma and Grandpa, so you know where to go for some great angel food cake or soup.

I love you, my baby girl!