A bad few days

So, the last few days have been kind of bad. For some reason, I keep going back to the day we found out we lost you. I remember the doctor saying he couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound and having to call your Daddy to come to the office so I could break the news. And then seeing you again on the ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. It felt so surreal, I was in denial, which is why we requested the second ultrasound at the hospital. When that ultrasound tech came back into the room, I knew the diagnosis, because she could barely look at me and advised me that the doctor wanted me to come back up to the office. We went back up to the office and had to discuss my options. Your Daddy and I slept on it and then decided to schedule a c-section. This gave me a few more days with you. I would rub on my belly, comforted that even though you had passed, you were still with me.

After leaving the hospital, we decided to go to my parent's house first. There was no way I could tell them the news over the phone. My Mom and sister had been such an active role during the pregnancy, I knew it was going to be hard. I will never forget this moment, it is permanently imprinted in my brain. As we got out of the car, your Ma Ma was smiling and happy that we had showed up. Right at that point, I broke down and told her that we had lost you. Immediately, there were tears flowing from everyone's face. Your Ma Ma, Pa Pa, and Aunt Donna were all outside when I told them. We all just held each other tightly and cried, knowing that all of our dreams for you were gone. Then there were the calls to all of the other relatives.

I was numb and in shock over it all. I was only 4 weeks away from a scheduled c-section, this could not be happening. This stuff doesn't happen to me, only other people. I still stayed in denial, hoping that after the c-section, they would say they were wrong and I would hear your screams after they took you out. But I was wrong. When you were born, the operating room was so silent and somber, you could almost hear a pin drop. It keeps bringing me back to the day your brother was born. After he was delivered, all I could do was lay there and hope to hear the screams that a healthy baby makes after being born. The seconds felt like hours, and then there it was. I was crying so hard after hearing those screams. I think about it, because I never got to hear you, only feel you inside me before we lost you. If only there was something that I could have done to save you, I would give up everything.

I think the reason it's been so rough these last few days is because we got the autopsy results back. They could find nothing wrong with you, the cord, or the placenta. No explanation, no answers. It made it seem as if there was no closure as far as knowing what happened. The doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests on me to see if it was something wrong with me to cause your death. They said it could be a couple of weeks before the results are in. If it is something wrong with me, I think I will feel even more defective. I've already got endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and have had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix multiple times. Plus, I couldn't even deliver your brother the natural way. I already feel as if I am defective because of all of this, but if my body caused your death, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't have done something to prevent it. I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you grow up. I love you my sweet Angel, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. Until we meet again, know that I will always love you and never forget you.