Six Months

As of today, it's been 6 months since you were born with angel wings. I think of you every day and wonder what you would be like if you were still with us. Would you keep your mommy up all night like your big brother did, or would you be a wonderful sleeper? Would you be rolling over and giggling like babies normally do at your age? Unfortunately, we will never know, as you were taken from us too soon.

Going on 4 months

So, October 2nd will be 4 months since we lost our sweet little angel. They said month 4 is the hardest, and I'm starting to believe it. In the days leading to her Angelversary, I have been a wreck, crying at the drop of a dime. The only thing that helps me are the little signs she gives me, when I need them the most. Reagan, just know that mommy, daddy, and Aidan miss you so much!

Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work. I have been dreading it for a while now, not sure what to expect, what to say to people, how to focus, etc. I cried the entire ride to work, listening to every song that makes me think of Reagan. I knew I had to get it out before arriving, so I wouldn't be a complete mess all day.

For those who don't know me, I do customer service for a brokerage firm's website. Basically, I help people log in, navigate, technical stuff, etc. I was amazed at how easily frustrated I got with other people's petty problems. I had a guy yelling at me because his portfolio screen didn't show the date/time his securities were updated. He was talking about moving his accts because he thinks our site is crap. All I could think about is how freakin petty this was compared to what I constantly have running through my mind. I wanted to start yelling back, saying you think that's bad, I just lost my baby a couple of months ago! But fortunately, I kept my calm, not wanting to lose my job. Just kept agreeing and said I'd send it up as a suggestion. He ended up hanging up on me. Oh, how I love customer service!!! (Notice the sarcasm?)

Then, on top of everything, we were swamped today. I couldn't get away from my desk to save my life. Finally at my normal lunch time, I said screw it and walked away. There was no one available for the phones, but I had to do it for my sanity. I called Chris and we talked for a while. I had a few tears, took some deep breaths, and then went back to what seems like hell right now. I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by, but for now, it's the last place I want to be.

Signs

So, it's really crazy how you seem to send me signs that you are okay. Today me, Daddy, and Aidan decided to go to Ma Ma and Pa Pa's house to BBQ. We needed a few extra supplies, so I volunteered to go to Dollar General. I was walking by the section where they have the baby stuff and a couple was in there with a baby carrier. I looked in the carrier and there was a little boy that looked to be only 2-3 weeks old, the same age you would be now. I smiled, but my heart was breaking inside. No sooner than that happened, through the overhead speakers where they play music, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin came on. It was almost like you were saying you were okay and not to be sad. It still pains me sometimes seeing other babies, but I don't wont to lose that sense of wonder and enjoyment that people have towards them.

Me and your Daddy have been talking a lot lately. I think we're going to try again, but it'll be a while. We want to heal emotionally and give ourselves time to grieve for you. Plus, even though I probably will be no longer how long we wait, I don't want to be a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. But most of all, I don't want it to feel as if we have to rush to replace you, because you are irreplacable. You will always be our first daughter, our beautiful Reagan. I can have a million more babies and you would never be replaced in my heart. I love you my sweet Angel!

A bad few days

So, the last few days have been kind of bad. For some reason, I keep going back to the day we found out we lost you. I remember the doctor saying he couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound and having to call your Daddy to come to the office so I could break the news. And then seeing you again on the ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. It felt so surreal, I was in denial, which is why we requested the second ultrasound at the hospital. When that ultrasound tech came back into the room, I knew the diagnosis, because she could barely look at me and advised me that the doctor wanted me to come back up to the office. We went back up to the office and had to discuss my options. Your Daddy and I slept on it and then decided to schedule a c-section. This gave me a few more days with you. I would rub on my belly, comforted that even though you had passed, you were still with me.

After leaving the hospital, we decided to go to my parent's house first. There was no way I could tell them the news over the phone. My Mom and sister had been such an active role during the pregnancy, I knew it was going to be hard. I will never forget this moment, it is permanently imprinted in my brain. As we got out of the car, your Ma Ma was smiling and happy that we had showed up. Right at that point, I broke down and told her that we had lost you. Immediately, there were tears flowing from everyone's face. Your Ma Ma, Pa Pa, and Aunt Donna were all outside when I told them. We all just held each other tightly and cried, knowing that all of our dreams for you were gone. Then there were the calls to all of the other relatives.

I was numb and in shock over it all. I was only 4 weeks away from a scheduled c-section, this could not be happening. This stuff doesn't happen to me, only other people. I still stayed in denial, hoping that after the c-section, they would say they were wrong and I would hear your screams after they took you out. But I was wrong. When you were born, the operating room was so silent and somber, you could almost hear a pin drop. It keeps bringing me back to the day your brother was born. After he was delivered, all I could do was lay there and hope to hear the screams that a healthy baby makes after being born. The seconds felt like hours, and then there it was. I was crying so hard after hearing those screams. I think about it, because I never got to hear you, only feel you inside me before we lost you. If only there was something that I could have done to save you, I would give up everything.

I think the reason it's been so rough these last few days is because we got the autopsy results back. They could find nothing wrong with you, the cord, or the placenta. No explanation, no answers. It made it seem as if there was no closure as far as knowing what happened. The doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests on me to see if it was something wrong with me to cause your death. They said it could be a couple of weeks before the results are in. If it is something wrong with me, I think I will feel even more defective. I've already got endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and have had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix multiple times. Plus, I couldn't even deliver your brother the natural way. I already feel as if I am defective because of all of this, but if my body caused your death, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't have done something to prevent it. I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you grow up. I love you my sweet Angel, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. Until we meet again, know that I will always love you and never forget you.

I went to visit you again today. I had to pick up some paperwork at the cemetary's office, so I figured I'd stop and chat with you alone. I told you how much I love you, miss you, and can't wait until I can see you again. I had to remove the decorations from your grave site because the cemetary cleans everything out twice a year, and they were going to be taking everything on July 10th. As I was removing the butterflies, I asked you if you had been chasing butterflies with Aunt Gloria. It was amazing, because right after I said that, the most beautiful butterfly came over and almost landed right in front of me on your grave. It was like you were sending me a sign that you were okay and happy.

I then went over to Grandma and Grandpa Finch's graves to talk to them. I asked them to make sure and take really good care of you until we see each other again. I then mentioned to her that if you come to her with a sweet tooth, to make you one of her angel food cakes. She always made "the best" angel food cakes ever. And I also told her that if you like cream of mushroom soup, to make it for you every day if you wanted it. When I was little, I went to their house every day after school. I had a love of that soup at the time, so she always made sure there was a bowl of it waiting for me on the table every day. Then another butterfly came right by. The signs you send me make me feel at peace, even though I miss you.

Then I went back to your grave for a little while longer. I told you everything that I had just told Grandma and Grandpa, so you know where to go for some great angel food cake or soup.

I love you, my baby girl!

Well, July 2nd was my due date so we decided to make it a special day. I went and got my tattoo, using a picture of Reagan as my focus point if it started hurting. Then we went to pick up our son, Aidan, and go to the grave site to decorate it with some butterflies. I don't know why, but every time I see butterflies now, it makes me think of her. It was so sweet, though, because the wind started blowing and moving the butterflies and Aidan asked if Reagan was chasing butterflies. It was hard leaving the cemetary, leaving her to be alone. I know the body is just a vessel and her soul is in heaven, but I hate the fact that she is alone every night and I'm not with her.

I am missing her so much. I keep thinking it is not fair, that I should be up half the night changing diapers and feeding her. I drives me nuts when I hear people complaining about going through this. I would give up everything I have to be going through that right now. Going through the goods and the bads of raising her, only to be able to watch her grow into the beautiful woman I know she would have been. It's hard to think about everything I'm never going to experience with her; her first words, her first steps, her first heartbreak, watching her walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. I can only hope that there is a Heaven above and that she is experiencing eternal bliss in the hands of God. But I still feel it is not fair that I didn't have the chance to experience all of those things with her. To my beautiful Reagan, I love you with all of my heart and you will never be forgotten.

So, I'm going to be getting a memorial tattoo on my shoulder blade. Here's what it's going to look like.

Well, today was kinda hard. It is Father's day and I kept thinking I should still be pregnant and should have been able to sign Reagan's name on Chris' card. But instead, I just let Aidan sign his name. I had a small breakdown in the bathroom by myself. I just didn't want it to feel like a sad day for anyone. But sometimes it feels as if I need to keep my feelings to myself, so I don't bring everyone else down with me. I know this is unhealthy, because eventually it's all going to come out at once. But a day hasn't passed since May 26th that I haven't cried at least once a day.

Last night we were at my sister in law, Lisa's house. She has a son that was born in March. The guys were outside smoking cigars and it was just us girls in the house. Out of nowhere, she started talking about how she feels bad for me when I come over, with her baby being there and all. It does break my heart sometimes when I see my son playing with him like he should have with his sister, but on the other hand, he's my nephew. I don't want to miss out on the joy of having him in my life and watching him grow because Reagan is not with us. But that brought on another tearfest. I just don't want everyone walking on pins and needles around me. I understand I'm an emotional wreck, but I don't want to miss out on other things that can bring joy to my life. It was funny because I was holding him and he spit up on me. She kept apologizing and rushing to get a burp cloth. All I could think of is how I wish I was having that experience every day with my own child. A little spitup never hurt anyone, and it just helped to fill that hole temporarily on what I'm missing out on. So I guess until Chris and I decide to try for another one, I'll just have to rely on everyone else's babies for those experiences.

From the beginning...

It all started in November. We had been trying to conceive for two months and I had taken a ton of tests. Finally one morning I got a positive. My fiance, Chris, was at work, but I could not wait until he got home to tell him. I called him at work and told him that baby #2 was on the way. I was ecstatic, crying huge tears of joy. It was a miracle that I was able to get pregnant again, since I have tons of female issues. My son and I then drove to where my Mom works to tell her, but she happened to be at a meeting elsewhere. So, I let my son, Aidan, call her and tell her that Mommy has a baby in her belly. It was the beginning of the joy of my pregnancy. My fiance and I went for the first ultrasound, but the baby did not want to cooperate, so we didn't find out what we were having. Thankfully due to being so active, the ultrasound tech also was not able to get all of the measurements, so they scheduled me for another one on March 11th. Unfortunately, Chris was not able to get off work, so I asked my sister, Donna, and my Mom to go with me. They were crossing their fingers for a girl. After the tech got all of her measurements, she went to see what we were having. Imagine the outcome when she said I was having a girl. My Mom and sister high fived each other and did a happy dance. I made everyone laugh when I asked her to check again, as my fiance and I were hoping for another son, since we still had everything from him. She checked again and confirmed that there was a girl in there!

After the appointment, me, my mom, and my sister went shopping to find something to tell Chris he was going to have a daughter. We picked out the cutest pink outfits, a little dolly, and a bib that said "I am NOT a boy!". He got from home and I handed him the box with everything in it. For the first hour, all he said was "Oh my God, I'm having a daughter." He was so scared, knowing how protective he was going to have to be with this little girl. Before we knew it, our house was being taken over by pink stuff. My Mom went nuts shopping for as many pink outfits she could find, knowing that I kept saying I was going to have a tomboy, since that is how I am. We started building a new room to make room for this new addition to our family.

Well, it was a pretty normal pregnancy. Lots of morning sickness, acid reflux, and tons of kicks in my belly. I always joked with everyone that I had a future soccer player in my belly, and she liked to use my bladder as a ball!!! But around 34 weeks into my pregnancy, I noticed I wasn't really feeling her move. At first I chalked it up to her running out of room, since I was so far along and I'm a shorter person. But after a few days of not feeling her move, I called the doctor's office to have everything checked out. Mind you, the Thursday before I had an appointment and everything was fine. Strong heartbeat, etc. On the next Tuesday, May 26th, I went in to get everything checked out. Chris dropped me off and went with our son, Aidan, to rent a movie, thinking it was going to be a routine checkup. They took me directly back to a room and used the doppler to look for a heartbeat. No matter where they placed it, they could not find a heartbeat. The doctor then came in with the ultrasound machine to look for a heartbeat. After what seemed like an eternity of him looking on the machine, he told me the most devastating news an expectant mother can ever hear. He could not see a heartbeat. Needless to say, at that time I was falling apart. I had to call Chris and tell him to come back immediately. I couldn't stop crying enough to tell him what was going on. He came back and the wonderful nurses set up our son at the front desk with coloring books. Chris came in and I completely broke down and told him what the doctor had said. At first we were in denial and asked if there was a way to double check this. The doctor immediately set us up to have another ultrasound at the connecting hospital. They confirmed what the doctor had said.

The doctor had me come back up afterwards to discuss our options. He was really encouraging me to wait until my body went into labor on its own, but I wasn't sure I could do this, as it could be another 4 - 6 weeks. We also discussed a c-section, but he was trying to talk me out of it since it is a major surgery. He sent me home to discuss it with Chris and get back to him. He wrote me a script for valium, so Chris and I went to Walgreens to fill the script. While in line, the cashier asked when I was due. I almost had a complete breakdown right there in the middle of the aisle. I ran out to the car and cried, my heart breaking into pieces. Within the next couple of days, I had someone ask me about my pregnancy on multiple occasions. I spoke with Chris and told him I had to have the c-section, because emotionally I could not handle any more questions about my pregnancy. We went back a few days later and set up everything to have the c-section on June 2nd.

The day of June 2nd was a bittersweet day. I was going to be giving birth to my daughter, but had to say goodbye at the same time. My midwife, Sylvia, came to the hospital and stayed the whole time to help support me through everything. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met! She didn't even have to be there, since it had to be a doctor doing the c-section. But she took time out of her day to make the day a little easier on me and give me one more person to support me through the most heartbreaking day of my life. The c-section went without any complications and then I went into the recovery room. They brought my beautiful daughter in soon after so I could spend some time with her. My parents, my sister, and Chris' dad all got to be there to spend time with her. Then a woman I consider to be an Angel on Earth, Melissa, came to do a photography session so we could have the most memories to save. She took the most beautiful pictures of our short time with our daughter, Reagan Lee. Eventually everyone left the room and I got to spend some time alone with Reagan. I sang "You are my sunshine" to her, knowing it would be the last time I would be able to hold her and sing to her. Eventually the nurse came in saying they had to move me to my room and would be taking Reagan so she could be sent to another hospital to do an autopsy, since they couldn't determine what had happened. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest when I was separated from her. Of any tragedy that has occurred in my life, this was the most painful I have ever experienced. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy, the pain of a mother being forever separated from their child.

The day I was released from the hospital was also extremely painful. Getting into the car with no newborn baby in a carseat in the back. And then going home and wishing I was being woken up at all times of the night to breastfeed and change diapers. Hearing people complain about not getting any sleep for these reasons, I just want to yell at them about what I wouldn't give to have that in my life! I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. At times there is extreme pain, where I want to curl up in a ball and disappear. And at other times, wanting to scream at the sky and ask God what I did to have my child taken away from me? People tell me it will get easier eventually, and I hope it does. But I think there will always be a void in my heart from this loss. But I will go on, for my beautiful son and my wonderful fiance.