Signs

So, it's really crazy how you seem to send me signs that you are okay. Today me, Daddy, and Aidan decided to go to Ma Ma and Pa Pa's house to BBQ. We needed a few extra supplies, so I volunteered to go to Dollar General. I was walking by the section where they have the baby stuff and a couple was in there with a baby carrier. I looked in the carrier and there was a little boy that looked to be only 2-3 weeks old, the same age you would be now. I smiled, but my heart was breaking inside. No sooner than that happened, through the overhead speakers where they play music, the song "In the Arms of an Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin came on. It was almost like you were saying you were okay and not to be sad. It still pains me sometimes seeing other babies, but I don't wont to lose that sense of wonder and enjoyment that people have towards them.

Me and your Daddy have been talking a lot lately. I think we're going to try again, but it'll be a while. We want to heal emotionally and give ourselves time to grieve for you. Plus, even though I probably will be no longer how long we wait, I don't want to be a nervous wreck the entire pregnancy. But most of all, I don't want it to feel as if we have to rush to replace you, because you are irreplacable. You will always be our first daughter, our beautiful Reagan. I can have a million more babies and you would never be replaced in my heart. I love you my sweet Angel!

A bad few days

So, the last few days have been kind of bad. For some reason, I keep going back to the day we found out we lost you. I remember the doctor saying he couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound and having to call your Daddy to come to the office so I could break the news. And then seeing you again on the ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. It felt so surreal, I was in denial, which is why we requested the second ultrasound at the hospital. When that ultrasound tech came back into the room, I knew the diagnosis, because she could barely look at me and advised me that the doctor wanted me to come back up to the office. We went back up to the office and had to discuss my options. Your Daddy and I slept on it and then decided to schedule a c-section. This gave me a few more days with you. I would rub on my belly, comforted that even though you had passed, you were still with me.

After leaving the hospital, we decided to go to my parent's house first. There was no way I could tell them the news over the phone. My Mom and sister had been such an active role during the pregnancy, I knew it was going to be hard. I will never forget this moment, it is permanently imprinted in my brain. As we got out of the car, your Ma Ma was smiling and happy that we had showed up. Right at that point, I broke down and told her that we had lost you. Immediately, there were tears flowing from everyone's face. Your Ma Ma, Pa Pa, and Aunt Donna were all outside when I told them. We all just held each other tightly and cried, knowing that all of our dreams for you were gone. Then there were the calls to all of the other relatives.

I was numb and in shock over it all. I was only 4 weeks away from a scheduled c-section, this could not be happening. This stuff doesn't happen to me, only other people. I still stayed in denial, hoping that after the c-section, they would say they were wrong and I would hear your screams after they took you out. But I was wrong. When you were born, the operating room was so silent and somber, you could almost hear a pin drop. It keeps bringing me back to the day your brother was born. After he was delivered, all I could do was lay there and hope to hear the screams that a healthy baby makes after being born. The seconds felt like hours, and then there it was. I was crying so hard after hearing those screams. I think about it, because I never got to hear you, only feel you inside me before we lost you. If only there was something that I could have done to save you, I would give up everything.

I think the reason it's been so rough these last few days is because we got the autopsy results back. They could find nothing wrong with you, the cord, or the placenta. No explanation, no answers. It made it seem as if there was no closure as far as knowing what happened. The doctor ordered a bunch of blood tests on me to see if it was something wrong with me to cause your death. They said it could be a couple of weeks before the results are in. If it is something wrong with me, I think I will feel even more defective. I've already got endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and have had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix multiple times. Plus, I couldn't even deliver your brother the natural way. I already feel as if I am defective because of all of this, but if my body caused your death, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't have done something to prevent it. I'm sorry that I'll never get to see you grow up. I love you my sweet Angel, you are always in my heart and in my thoughts. Until we meet again, know that I will always love you and never forget you.

I went to visit you again today. I had to pick up some paperwork at the cemetary's office, so I figured I'd stop and chat with you alone. I told you how much I love you, miss you, and can't wait until I can see you again. I had to remove the decorations from your grave site because the cemetary cleans everything out twice a year, and they were going to be taking everything on July 10th. As I was removing the butterflies, I asked you if you had been chasing butterflies with Aunt Gloria. It was amazing, because right after I said that, the most beautiful butterfly came over and almost landed right in front of me on your grave. It was like you were sending me a sign that you were okay and happy.

I then went over to Grandma and Grandpa Finch's graves to talk to them. I asked them to make sure and take really good care of you until we see each other again. I then mentioned to her that if you come to her with a sweet tooth, to make you one of her angel food cakes. She always made "the best" angel food cakes ever. And I also told her that if you like cream of mushroom soup, to make it for you every day if you wanted it. When I was little, I went to their house every day after school. I had a love of that soup at the time, so she always made sure there was a bowl of it waiting for me on the table every day. Then another butterfly came right by. The signs you send me make me feel at peace, even though I miss you.

Then I went back to your grave for a little while longer. I told you everything that I had just told Grandma and Grandpa, so you know where to go for some great angel food cake or soup.

I love you, my baby girl!

Well, July 2nd was my due date so we decided to make it a special day. I went and got my tattoo, using a picture of Reagan as my focus point if it started hurting. Then we went to pick up our son, Aidan, and go to the grave site to decorate it with some butterflies. I don't know why, but every time I see butterflies now, it makes me think of her. It was so sweet, though, because the wind started blowing and moving the butterflies and Aidan asked if Reagan was chasing butterflies. It was hard leaving the cemetary, leaving her to be alone. I know the body is just a vessel and her soul is in heaven, but I hate the fact that she is alone every night and I'm not with her.

I am missing her so much. I keep thinking it is not fair, that I should be up half the night changing diapers and feeding her. I drives me nuts when I hear people complaining about going through this. I would give up everything I have to be going through that right now. Going through the goods and the bads of raising her, only to be able to watch her grow into the beautiful woman I know she would have been. It's hard to think about everything I'm never going to experience with her; her first words, her first steps, her first heartbreak, watching her walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. I can only hope that there is a Heaven above and that she is experiencing eternal bliss in the hands of God. But I still feel it is not fair that I didn't have the chance to experience all of those things with her. To my beautiful Reagan, I love you with all of my heart and you will never be forgotten.